Will We Ever Be Free

Nikolai was struggling to lose himself. Nikolai was struggling to resist god. Fyodor was the only one who understood him. The only one who reached his hand out to this poor caged bird when he needed it. Fyodor was his god. But what was Nikolai to him? Was he just another pawn on his chess board? No no no! That just won’t do.Nikolai will be what Fyodor needs too. He will be the one to make sure Fyodor isn’t bored, doing whatever Fyodor doesn’t expect him to do. Nikolai will be the only one who’ll survive the touch of this russian. Nikolai will be special.Oh, will he ever be able to free them both from the grip of their emotions? The fluttering feeling they both get when Nikolai’s hands clasp around his. And oh, if only Nikolai were a girl.If only he were a girl— would Fyodor finally accept him? Nikolai just wants to cage himself in Fyodor’s heart and make it beat for him. Nikolai longed to see his eyes soften towards him.And oh, how Fyodor couldn’t, not until he could destroy Dazai. But oh, how the cracks in his actions showed. How Fyodor would let Nikolai touch him so easily, his big hands grasping the russian’s so tightly, longingly. Fyodor ignored the flutter of his heart. Yes, it was nothing.